#7. Home Alone 2 - Review
Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 12:20AM 
Home Alone 2 Lost In New YorkCan I just say I think Kevin is a little bit of a prick? He mouths off to his parents, destroys the Christmas pageant at his school, complains about the gifts he receives, and carries that stupid voice recorder everywhere he goes! I honestly believe his parents keep “accidently” leaving poor helpless Kevin at home on purpose! I am not saying they are doing it knowingly mind you, but perhaps their hatred for that drowsy-eyed monster runs so deep they don’t realize their true emotions, or their evil intentions. That has to be the reason they always make Kevin sleep in the same bed as Fuller every year. They know he wets the bed Kevin! They know and they think its hilarious!!! 
Home Alone 2 Fuller
Since we are talking about Kevin’s parents, how are they not in prison? Shouldn’t their ugly ass-faced brood all be in protective custody? I mean seriously, they don’t have a single decent looking child, not one. I would also like to know what the dad does for a living, because whatever it is that is what I am going to do. The man is so completely loaded they make the Bueller family look like the Buckets. He has the nicest house this side of the Universal back-lot, he keeps thousands of dollars in a white envelope in a backpack he was going to CHECK at the airport before his shithead son Kevin stole it from him, he always pays for the entire family’s vacation every year (even his horrible brother Frank and his repellent wife and offspring), and has statues of little men in his driveway. Why is it no one can avoid hitting that stupid jockey? You think after denting the bumper of his Geo Storm a thousand times, the pizza guy would finally just snap and chuck that stupid sculpture into nearest trash bin.
Kevin Mcallister Home Alone 2I really thought I liked this movie, but having watched it again I am not so sure. A LOT of things pissed me off. Like that idiot Mr. Duncan that owns FAO Schwarz, or whatever they called the toy store in the film. “May I suggest the turtle doves?” No, Creeps you can’t, because Kevin is 10-years-old, he is not interested in some pedo’s insinuating propositions… or maybe he is. This is the same 10-year-old that goes out of his way to make friends with the last person on earth you would want your young son to be friendly with. Out of the millions of freaks Kevin could have befriended in New York City, he chooses the one senior citizen that is so desperate to hide from the rest of society she literally tries to camouflage her hobo rags with pigeon shit.
Pigeon Bird Lady Home Alone 2And perhaps I am just too old, but the big finale was kind of a let down. Sure it was funny when Marv shot a nail gun into his ass, or Harry mumbled incomprehensible obscenities after the back-left leg of a baby grand piano shattered his left testicle… but I really wanted these lowlifes to catch that little bastard this time around. I mean come on; they really deserve to bash that smirking little smartass’ face in!
If they can’t do it, then I want a crack at it. That’s right Macaulay, can you hear me? I am gonna give you to the count of tree, to get your ugly, yella, no good keester off my Netflix, before I pump your guts full of lead… one … two … tree… Now give me back my change you filthy animal!
Reader Comments (6)
First off I can't believe you watched this, then I remember you 500 movies to watch. Your review is hilarious I think it would have been even more hilarious if this was the actual review for true movie when it first hit the theaters. I remember being about Kevin's age when the movie came out and I wonder if my parents would have been more excited to spend their hard earned money on the debacle of a movie if they would have read your review. As a parent I know I would have!
I concur with your review. The more I think about it the more I realize that the only reason I haven't banned this movie from my television set as of yet is because it stares a Caulkin. I can't get enough of those Caulkins...but perhaps it's time to let Macaulay go and move onto more Rory and Kieran movies....
Jim- The problem is when you are young and dumb something like HA 2 was entertaining... Its still entertaining as an adult, but for different reasons, none of which the creators probably intended.
Beth- I understand the feeling of loyalty. Kevin Smith, Luke & Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman. All these guys have fucking burned me bad at the theater, but no matter what, I will always give them the benefit of the doubt that I will enjoy their latest flick... Now if I could just forget about Jersey Girl, Drillbit Taylor and Spun.
Yeah I always wondered how the parents avoided getting locked up. Especially the second time. I think it's cause the lady who plays the mom was so awesome in all those Christopher Guest movies.
Nice call with the loyalty theme. I think you are onto something here - I find myself cringing when I see Luke or Owen in a movie because I know I'm going to see it, I know it's going to disappoint me, and I'm going to long for an updated remake of Bottle Rocket. Ugh. Damn this whole loyalty thing!!!!!!!
Did you even see what Buzz did to Kevin in the pageant? Kevin deserved to do retaliate. I for the life of me cannot understand this scene. Buzz humiliates Kevin causing the entire audience to erupt in laughter, granted Kevin was oblivious to what Buzz was doing and the humiliation was actually pretty harmless, that room was full of hundreds of adults who laughed uproariously at a humiliated child. Not funny. Were they all that sadistic and uncaring? What was the purpose of that scene? I know John Hughes clearly makes Kevin a social outcast, and a kid who gets in trouble, but that was pushing it, and why would he put a sadistic scene like that in a family oriented film? Are we led to believe that no one cares about him? Not his family, not the people at his school, not hotel staff, definitely not Harry and Marv. I know Kevin can be a jerk, but overall he is not that bad. Perhaps the audience truly meant well and thought Buzz was just goofing around with him, or maybe they meant to be that apathetic, either way Buzz and the other students deserved to fall down like that. Kevin is better than people give him credit for.