#21. Isolation - Review

Isolation posterIsolation is a really bizarre movie. It is kind of amazing to me that it even got made. It is a horror movie; about cows . . . Did I let that sit long enough? That’s the short version. The long version is there is a farmer who is in a bad way, so for a couple of bucks he allows a (mad) scientist to conduct some experiments on one of his cows. The scientist hopes to be able to genetically manipulate the gestation period of cows, believing this would lead to more births. Well, as in any good horror flick, it all goes wrong. What we are then left with is the scariest movie to ever be made about farm animals. It should be noted that this is not a comedy like 2008’s Black Sheep.

Although this movie moves a little too slow for my taste, it has a couple of unrelentingly frightening scenes that make it worth seeing. Without too many spoilers, I will say I was stunned throughout the birthing scene. It is grotesque, heartbreaking, and most definitely horrifying. The entire birth lasts about 10 minutes or so, and I am pretty sure I didn’t exhale for the duration of the bloody event. Also, Isolation has one of the greatest WTF moments I have witnessed in a while. I MUST TALK ABOUT THIS FILM WITH SOMEONE!! So please, check this film out on Netflix Watch Instantly or wherever else you can find it, and let me know what you think. This film will honestly be sticking with me for a while.

#20. An American Werewolf In London - Review

An American Werewolf in London PosterAnyone who knows me is well aware of my love for horror films. It doesn’t matter how stupid the plot sounds, or even how bad the cover art for the box looks, if it is supposed to be scary, I will watch it. Having this reputation also carries with it some baggage. Sadly, I have not seen every horror ever made. I am working on it, but when someone discovers my shame they always respond with nothing less then shock. So, when I disgracefully admitted to my wife that I had never watched An American Werewolf in London, she could only respond with a look of equal parts disgust and embarrassment. Luckily, I remedied the problem and watched the horror classic last night.An American Werewolf in London Poster

I did not expect An American Werewolf in London to be as funny as it is. I am not sure why I was so surprised; it was directed by John Landis, who made Animal House and The Blues Brothers. If I had to, I would probably classify Werewolf in London as a comedy, not a horror. Not to say it wasn’t scary… no, I guess that is what I am saying. I can appreciate what this film did for the horror genre. It’s special effects are spectacular even to this day, and the transformation/werewolf make-up is perfect. I don’t think I could call it scary though. Films like Stanley Kubrik’s The Shining and John Carpenter’s The Thing both came out within a year of An American Werewolf in London, are both considered classics in the genre, and both hold up better and are scarier than John Landis’s film. It was innovative, and I am sure terrifying at the time of its release, but I don’t think it deserves the prestige and reputation it has when you compare it to its peers.An American Werewolf in London

This is where everyone gives me shit because I didn’t like the film. I did find a lot to like about the movie, specifically the humor. I was laughing consistently throughout the picture, because Landis knows how to film gags. The make-up is the true star of the show. Even more so than the werewolf, I was totally blown away by the talking corpses. Their make-up looks as good if not better than any of the digital effects employed today.

I am glad I finally sat down to watch this “classic” horror film. Although it didn’t scare me as much as I had hoped (or anticipated), it still entertained. The comedy still hits, it doesn’t seem to have aged at all. The same thing could be said for the special effects. The make-up and cosmetics are astonishing, they look better than most horror films made 30 years later. Next up is the 1997 sequel An American Werewolf in Paris, from what I remember it is just a 2-hour music video for the band Bush. 

#19. Crank 2: High Voltage - Review

Crank 2: High Voltage PosterCrank 2: High Voltage is so incredibly badass it hurts. I love the Crank series like I loved Silverhawks as a kid; it just fills that void in my heart, you know? Jason Stathom is a guy named Chelios. Chelios is in a bad way ever since the leader of a triad gang hijacked his "strawberry tart" (his heart) and replaced it with plastic decoy. Chelios needs to find his ticker, but his replacement keeps running out of juice. So of course, Chelios realizes the only way to keep his fake heart pumping is to constantly supply it with jolts of electricity. Jumper cables, taser guns, telephone poles, static electricity (Amy Smart is still hot); anything that has a current Chelios will employ to keep his motor running. If your saying, "That doesn't make any sense, this is stupid" then please stop reading, this isn't for you.

Like any good sequel, Crank 2: High Voltageturns up the volume to 11 and doesn't slow down  until everyone is dead. Directors Mark Nevildine and Brian Taylor (Crank, Gamer) are experts at makin g a film for the ADHD generation. I will never say a negative thing about either of the Crank films. Never. Both films are on Netflix Watch Instantly so, if you have never taken my advice before take it now, watch these films! You will be better for it, I promise.

#18. From a Whisper to a Scream - Review

From a Whisper to a Scream PosterFrom a Whisper to a Scream (aka The Offspring on IMDB.com) is an anthology film in the vein of Creepshow I & II and The Twilight Zone Movie. Anthology horror movies are probably my favorite sub-genre of horror. From a Whisper to a Scream presents four short stories as remembered by the notorious Vincent Price. Like many anthology films, the stories taken on their own are not strong enough to carry a feature film, and they are all pretty funny, if not completely ridiculous. The film's dedication to the ridiculous is where I found my satisfaction. This movie never laughs at itself, never winks at the audience to let us know its in on the joke.Vincent Price

This is most definitely a horror film, but admittedly it does lack in the scares. If your in the mood for nightmares than From a Whisper to a Scream isn't going to do the trick. But, where this film lacks in frights it more than makes up for it with mood. Each tale successfully creates a convincing, completely bizarre world, filled with murderous children, zombie babies, bayou voodoo, and a complete circus sideshow. Sure you will be laughing a lot of the time, but this is Vincent Price's last real effort into horror, and I for one think he went out with a bang.

#17. Showgirls - Review

Showgirls PosterI am not comfortable calling Showgirls a bad film. I derive far too much enjoyment from its misguided attempt at drama to judge it so harshly. No, its not fair to call Showgirls bad, but I think “special” is more appropriate.  Director Paul Verhoeven’s intentions I believe were noble. He didn’t set out to make the most ridiculous movie ever made; it just turned out that way. Its not like this guy can’t direct a decent flick. He gave the world Total Recall, RoboCop, Basic Instinct, and my personal favorite, Starship Troopers. Verhoeven was no hack, so how could such a piece of crap not only garner a wide release, but also become a pop-culture phenomenon?

I guess I can find blame with the worthless NC-17 rating. When this film was released in 1995, it was a huge deal that it was rated above R and theaters were still willing to release it. Some chains showed edited versions of the film, but honestly, the NC-17 cut is laughably tame. This movie oozes sexuality like an infected wound. I have watched episodes of Monk that were more capable arousing me than Showgirls.

Of course that is what happens when you take “the ugly one” from Saved by the Bell and force her to strip and act crazy. Remember the episode when Jessie Spano gets addicted to speed to help her study for the SATs? She gradually becomes more of a looney tune throughout the show until Zack Morris has to stage a one-on-one intervention. Imagine if the maniacal drug addicted liar from that episode decided to ditch Bayside and hitchhike to Las Vegas with hopes of becoming a topless dancer… that is Nomi in Showgirls.  Berkley brings so much intensity to every single scene I cannot believe she survived this shoot. Even her lap-dances were so vigorous, Kyle MacLachlan had to be hosed down after every take. It is this ferocity that gives Showgirls its charm. Berkley truly is entertaining to watch, and I mean that positively. Her performance isn’t great, but dammit if she does not pour every ounce passion she can muster on to the screen.

Showgirls is not nearly as insulting or titillating as its reputation would have you believe. I honestly think everyone involved had good intentions, perhaps even high hopes for the film. It’s a shame the result turned out to be such a train wreck, but like any train wreck I can’t look away. This flick is worth watching, and not just because it’s a good laugh, but because it’s an important cautionary tale to aspiring screenwriters: Showgirls is what happens when you build an entire movie around nipples.

Here is the most epic clip from a "kids" tv show maybe ever... I"M SO SCARED!!