#10. Major League - Review

Major LeagueWhat can be said about Major League? It is the best. It is a great sport’s movie, has a simple story with really honest, vulnerable characters that you love to root for, and is a pitch-perfect (uh thank you, thank you) comedy. I am not going to waste anyone’s time telling you how funny this is, just go find it if you haven’t seen it, and even if you have seen it, go watch it again. 

#9. Land of the Lost - Review

Will Ferrell in Land of the Lost 2009Who was Land of the Lost made for exactly? It looks like a children’s movie, but there are tons of dick and orgasm jokes sprinkled throughout. It is no wonder this film bombed last year; it didn’t know its audience. I for one think this movie is great, its crass and stupid, but is really a lot of fun. It has Danny McBride, which is all I really need, but Will Ferrell is playing the same inept-cocky-asshole he has been playing since Anchorman. Which is unfortunate, because the Ferrell movies I appreciate most are those in which he plays sweet and sincere, like 2004’s Elf and the great film he made in 2006 Stranger Than Fiction.

Danny McBride Land of the Lost is more than worth checking out though, especially if you value movies where you say, “I cannot believe they just did that,” every 5 minutes. There is a female lead in this movie, but I am pretty sure she was just written in so the other characters could grab her boobs, hump her legs, make “wet” jokes, and tell her to sit on anything pointy because it will probably feel good. The balls to put that into a film, and then tell America it is a children’s movie makes me feel good to be honest, I love a good prank. Unfortunately, considering how much money the studio lost on this film, I doubt they will fall for it again.

#8. The Eclipse - Review

Cyrian Hinds in The EclipseThe Eclipse does not have werewolves. It does not have glittering vampires. What it does have is a widower, a writer, a drunk, a ghost, and a dieing man. I went into this film not knowing anything about the plot, and I believe I enjoyed it more because of that, so I will not give a synopsis of this film (but watch the trailer below if you are interested). I do want to say that this movie is a great hidden gem on Netflix Instant Streaming. There is a very subtle, very delicate love story being told throughout the film, with very sudden interruptions from the afterlife. Now, I watch a lot of horror films, I have said before it is easily my favorite genre. Unfortunately, it is close to impossible to scare me. I have seen it all. Well, this flick scared the Hell out of me! I can’t call this a horror movie, but it has the best “jump scares” I have seen in a film in a long time.The Eclipse Poster

The acting is great, especially Aiden Quinn who plays the aforementioned drunk. He is a real son of a bitch, but a sincere portrayal of celebrity, and what expectation does to a man.

I have to mention the box art for the movie. It is horrible! It is just looks so stock, very phoned-in. I have seen this film’s cover art floating around my Netflix page for a few weeks, and I always glazed over it. I would have never watched it if it wasn’t for Jerrett Richards suggesting it to me, which I am grateful because I really enjoyed my time with The Eclipse.

#7. Home Alone 2 - Review

Home Alone 2 Lost In New YorkCan I just say I think Kevin is a little bit of a prick? He mouths off to his parents, destroys the Christmas pageant at his school, complains about the gifts he receives, and carries that stupid voice recorder everywhere he goes! I honestly believe his parents keep “accidently” leaving poor helpless Kevin at home on purpose! I am not saying they are doing it knowingly mind you, but perhaps their hatred for that drowsy-eyed monster runs so deep they don’t realize their true emotions, or their evil intentions. That has to be the reason they always make Kevin sleep in the same bed as Fuller every year. They know he wets the bed Kevin! They know and they think its hilarious!!! Home Alone 2 Fuller

Since we are talking about Kevin’s parents, how are they not in prison? Shouldn’t their ugly ass-faced brood all be in protective custody? I mean seriously, they don’t have a single decent looking child, not one. I would also like to know what the dad does for a living, because whatever it is that is what I am going to do. The man is so completely loaded they make the Bueller family look like the Buckets. He has the nicest house this side of the Universal back-lot, he keeps thousands of dollars in a white envelope in a backpack he was going to CHECK at the airport before his shithead son Kevin stole it from him, he always pays for the entire family’s vacation every year (even his horrible brother Frank and his repellent wife and offspring), and has statues of little men in his driveway. Why is it no one can avoid hitting that stupid jockey? You think after denting the bumper of his Geo Storm a thousand times, the pizza guy would finally just snap and chuck that stupid sculpture into nearest trash bin.

Kevin Mcallister Home Alone 2I really thought I liked this movie, but having watched it again I am not so sure. A LOT of things pissed me off. Like that idiot Mr. Duncan that owns FAO Schwarz, or whatever they called the toy store in the film. “May I suggest the turtle doves?” No, Creeps you can’t, because Kevin is 10-years-old, he is not interested in some pedo’s insinuating propositions… or maybe he is. This is the same 10-year-old that goes out of his way to make friends with the last person on earth you would want your young son to be friendly with. Out of the millions of freaks Kevin could have befriended in New York City, he chooses the one senior citizen that is so desperate to hide from the rest of society she literally tries to camouflage her hobo rags with pigeon shit.

Pigeon Bird Lady Home Alone 2And perhaps I am just too old, but the big finale was kind of a let down. Sure it was funny when Marv shot a nail gun into his ass, or Harry mumbled incomprehensible obscenities after the back-left leg of a baby grand piano shattered his left testicle… but I really wanted these lowlifes to catch that little bastard this time around. I mean come on; they really deserve to bash that smirking little smartass’ face in!

If they can’t do it, then I want a crack at it. That’s right Macaulay, can you hear me? I am gonna give you to the count of tree, to get your ugly, yella, no good keester off my Netflix, before I pump your guts full of lead… one … two … tree… Now give me back my change you filthy animal!

#6. The American - Review

The American Poster (2010)I am kind of surprised a studio, even as small as Focus Features, gave the go-ahead for a film like The American. You see; this film was made for adults. It is a mature film, dealing with complex themes and emotions children (and sadly many adults it seems) just can’t comprehend, let alone appreciate. I am not interested in arguing with critic’s reviews for this film, although I do feel many of them are wrong.

This film is confident enough to take its time, give the viewer a moment not only to admire the detailed minutia layered within each scene, but revel in the director’s (Anton Corbijn) decision to let me work certain things out for myself. George Clooney plays a guy that sometimes goes by Jack, other times Edward, and the very privileged endearingly call him Mr. Butterfly. This man of many names is also a man of many specialties, all of which have him employing his hands, and most end with a death. Jack (or is it Edward?) spends the majority of the film in a small village in Italy assembling a specialized sniper rifle from scratch. I won’t say for who, or why they want it, or even why he is in Italy. What I do want to iterate though is how close to perfection I feel this movie is. It is as efficient and perfectly assembled as the rifle we see being constructed on screen. Each scene has purpose, and every moment is perfectly balanced to fit within the story. The setting is beautiful, and cinematographer Martin Ruhe did a commendable job of finding a medium between taking breathtakingly gorgeous footage, without allowing the scenery to ever steal focus or distract.

George Clooney in The American (2010)The man we see on screen is realizing the hard way he may not be comfortable with the life he has created. His is a world of secrecy and calm, with moments of complete hysteria and panic and blood. He is tired, but not weak, and has given up much but perhaps has not lost everything. He has something to give, to someone. Love perhaps, but he may be content with just sharing a quiet evening with someone, anyone that he could trust long enough to relax, if only for that one night.

If you can’t already tell I love this film. It’s as methodical and as disciplined as its protagonist, and if you are capable, it can honestly get you excited for Hollywood films again. Studios are still capable of making a mature cinematic experience for adults. 

#5. Chopper - Review

Chopper Poster (2000)People have been telling me to watch the 2000 film Chopper for years. I find it impossible not to love prison films. I don't know if that is just a "guy-thing" or a Brandon thing. Usually a prison flick takes a normal man, forces him into a situation he doesn't belong, and the Mr. Normal adapts and eventually escapes, or at least teaches the other inmates valuable lessons. Mark Brandon "Chopper" Reed (Eric Bana) ain't gonna waste his time with that lot mate. Having been titled Australia's most famous prisoner, the sociopath has written multiple best-sellers, several television specials, and thousands of adoring fans. However, unlike Andy Dufresne in Shawshank or Frank Morris in Alcatraz, Chopper needs to be in prison. He needs to be locked up both for the good of society, and to better cater to Chopper's own twisted sensibilities. He is a maniac, a man that earned the nickname Chopper by either chopping off the toes of his victims, or by slashing his own earlobes off. Either version may be true, and really, does it matter? 

Eric Bana as ChopperBana is pretty radical in this film, I can see why he became the star he is today. He plays Reed with an intense maniacal humanity, so sincere and yet so unhinged, you desperately want to trust the monster in the cage, even when you know it is a very bad idea. This film is worth watching, if for nothing else the awesome scene where Chopper gets stabbed by his best-mate. I won't give any spoilers, but Bana's performance is so hypnotic, I can easily say it is one of the most unnerving moments in a film I have ever seen. Mark Brandon "Chopper" Reed

#4. Up Syndrome - Review

Up Syndrome Up Syndrome is a documentary by amateur film maker Duane Graves which graciously gives us access to the life of his best friend Rene Moreno. Rene is quick-witted, hard working, a loving son and brother, a great friend, and definitely a ladies man. He also has down syndrome, one extra chromosome fishing around his body somewhere that makes look and talk a little funny, but never handicaps him from doing or saying exactly what he wants. This is not so much a documentary as it is a portrait, and I don't mean that negatively. It was a delight watching Rene go to his Homecoming dance, drive for the first time, and laugh at his own farts. In fact, Rene and I have a lot in common: We both think our own farts are HILARIOUS, we love horror movies, if we pick up a chainsaw we have to mimic Leatherface, and we are both hopeless romantics. I am glad I watched this film, and it is available right now on Netflix Watch Instantly, I hope if you have the means you will check it out.